If you knew my heart...

"My" boys, the two happiest people I know, who on any day can smell like anything from dust and sour milk to baby angels - fresh & new & innocent & pure... and how I love to touch their soft, smooth baby skin... it’s what "LOVE" feels like – if one was ever able to describe how it feels, to the touch - literally.

These two souls, so unaware of it all - are & will always be my God sent anchors. They centre me, they ground me – they are the gauge that levels both my mind & emotions - when the world is spiraling out of control - Yes, my God sent anchors and how grateful I am for this blessing.

 I've traded in the life I once knew (maybe too prematurely by someone else’s standards) of 'beautiful selfish abandon' - I lived for the late nights, the social exchange, the buzz of dancing & drinking and clubbing till the sun rose - it was awesome to feel reckless & young & free... and the memories will live on forever... but now, I choose to live on forever through my young family, a husband I adore, the BEST dad my kids have & will ever know and my precious "Caley & Christi"...the two best things that have ever flourished from ME.

I've been asked by a friend before, with a very worrying expression on the poor soul's face - 'do you ever sleep?' followed by ‘how do you manage?' not to mention the 'pitying' head shake by another someone at the sight of me sitting with my sleeping baby in my arm, ready to head home & call it a night - when all the other ladies were getting ready to paint the town red in matching lipstick and heels! I hope they had a blast anyway, but It does bother me sometimes when being a mother who wants to be the "first face my boys see in the morning, every morning!" gets the "poor you" reaction – Nota Bene dolls: I don’t stay home all the time because I’m locked down with ball & chain to the crib, I do it because I WANT to, I actually really enjoy falling asleep (way too early for a grown up) next to my dreaming darlings & waking up without a ‘hang over’ to the first ‘coo’ or “mummy I want my nana’… Nothing - not even 'a night of wild dancing & dozens of Pina Colada's lined up in a row & on the house' will ever replace the joy I receive from spending every minute I have available with my boys, and yes, even when Caleb's huffing & puffing and pulling the angry face (which comes standard with the pouting lips & batting of eyelids) even when he declares ‘I’m not playing with YOU anymore” and even on the days when he's overtired & crying for everything & nothing... Even when Christian has just thrown up all over his third outfit, in less than an hour (damn you REFLUX!) and when he's overtired & crying for everything & nothing... I'd rather BE right there! Yes, I must admit, that I have had moments when I wish I would have waited a bit longer to bring another and then another human being who’s totally dependent on "ME" into this world - but those moments are becoming very few and far between.

These kids - "My" kids, are who and what I live for! And I do it as if its "obligation free"... I've never known sweeter kisses, being hugged by tiny little arms or being touched with those tiny little (sticky, dirty, smelly) fingers - its surreal, it makes me feel blessed & honoured & special, even on the days when they intent on driving me crazy by crying & pooping in sync all day!

Someone once told me, that being a mother 'suits' me, which I secretly smile at, because I actually do quite like the fit of this 'mother suit'... : )

I can’t say it’s been easy, We got off to a 'rocky' start with first a premature little baby boy, who I literally saw 'breathe his last' - a number of times, praying each time that the resuscitation would work - dreading that it wouldn't & that I’d have to bury that perfect & precious little body in the ground - but my Caley is a little kung-fu fighter and he made it!  And then having Christian - a gorgeous, healthy, full term little baby boy - with COLIC! Let me say that being home alone with a 2 year old in the full swing of the terrible two's & a newborn who cried all day, 5 hours away from all my family and friends while my husband worked 7 days a week for four whole months was not the prettiest days of my life or 'ours'- & I loved & cursed my 'little people’ all the way through those agonising months - but we over it now, well atleast until the next one comes - but my beautiful ‘little people’ and I will see it through - tear after tear, tantrum after tantrum, hugs & kisses & I love you’s after I’m sorry’s!

I'm never going to be the Stepford wife or “Christopher Robbin’s” mommy from  Winnie the Pooh, and I have no space to store the “Mommy of the Year” sash and crown - my boys will go the occasional day without a bath & sometimes I’ll let them eat sweets for dinner, heck - maybe even for breakfast & lunch too! Sometimes I’ll even say "FUCK" & I won’t care if they listening (this has already happened & Caleb nearly choked on his own spit out of shock - followed by him  singing with a look of absolute horror on his face - "ahhh baba le le - Jesus heard you"... WTF is "ah baba le le"? but anyway, I think him & Jesus forgave me.) I'm just a mommy with a heart bursting with love, ever-so-happily committed to giving my life to making my boys lives memorable! Yes, I might sound like a soppy “hearts & flowers” cliché that belongs in an episode of Barney where we sing the “I love you, you love me” song from the bottom of our hearts, full with slow swaying from side to side & a glint in the eye all day long - but it doesn't matter (I know I can never be that soppy because I say “FUCK” remember? within listening distance of little people ears! Haha!)  And no, I am not missing out on anything fun & fabulous - instead, I'm living each and every moment I possibly can with these precious souls - making sure I miss nothing! Parties and good times will come and go, but I’ll never ever get back these days, these moments of their young lives. I want to give them every bath, read them every story and give them every 'good morning my angel' and 'good night my baby' kiss...

I take my hat off to all the "mommies" who love & care for their "little people" unconditionally and still manage to maintain an excellent social life and still "paint the town red" and hit the bars on "ladies night" - I don’t know how you do it, but Enjoy dolls! We all live and love and parent differently – so let’s not judge! As for me, I'm happier going places I can take my babies with me, which is usually nowhere after 8 pm apart from 'their / our bed' but that doesn't matter because we live in our own little world & sleep in our own little bed & we love it here... : )

So next time, please don’t pity ME (even when you see me trying to hold a decent conversation while struggling to take a sip from my wine glass in one hand and feeding & lulling a baby (with a wine stain on his forehead) to sleep in the other)  –  while you are having your fun in a million ways & one, I am most certainly having mine – only with the most demanding & unpredictable “Little people” who give  wet kisses with cold lips & and the best little hugs those “little people arms” can muster!

If you knew my heart… You would know that I'm the happiest I've ever been & will ever be - with MY BOYS, just being their mommy, everyday - & that’s enough for me.

Caleb & Chrétien - les étoiles dans mon ciel*

The stars in my SKY*

Forget about "painting the town Red..."  We "paint ourselves White!" 

Let me say it again - in shouty CAPITAL letters:  "DAMN YOU REFLUX!"

The "wine stains" do wash off!